Planning Ahead

So, next year is rapidly approaching which means that all us university students who aren't graduating this year (and even those of us who are) need to pull up are socks, get our lives in order and decide what we want to do next year or for the next three years as the case may be. This, for some, may be an extremely challenging process. I find it challenging mostly due to the fact that I want to talk everything that I see.

This is when my social ineptness doesn't come in handy.

Today Dr. Gordon McOuat gave a lecture on Darwin in FYP (he gave four lectures on Darwin in HOST but that's not important to my story today). It was a lovely lecture and I enjoyed it immensely. During the break I went down to tell him that I was really enjoying the lecture because I think he's really cool (this is a big step for me because people scare me a lot). I also managed to blurt out the fact that I've been considering doing a combined honors in HOST. He thought that was a good idea. I also made an appointment to meet with him tomorrow after lecture to talk to him about it a little more.

I always think that people are going to be way more terrifying than they are or think that I'm asking stupid questions. I'm glad that I finally talked to Dr. McOuat. I've been meaning to for some time because he's probably the only person in the whole department that I can actually say something in front of without sounding like an idiot (not because I don't have a healthy fear/respect for him and his intelligence, that part still terrifies me. He just seems really nice, understanding and easy to talk to).

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I think it's going to be a good day.

Also, I got back one of my papers today. I got another B. Go me!

I Want To Do Well In School

I want to read fun things but I want to do well in school.

I don't want to do my essay but I want to do well in school.

I don't want to do my other essay but I want to do well in school.

I want to procrastinate more and not have most of my break wasted on school but I want to do well in school.

I want to sleep but I want to do well in school.

I want to do well in school but I'm too lazy to.

Day 7: Who is your least favorite professor?

I can genuinely say that I have never really hated a teacher. I disliked my grade 11 history teacher but only because she didn't teach me anything. Out of all the teachers at Hogwarts I don't believe one of them does not teach what they ought. I don't know who you be my least favourite. They all seem so wonderful.

plans plans plans

What I need is an action plan. I make plans all the time but this will be the ultimate plan

Originally I was all "I'll do rough drafts of both my essays today, type them tomorrow, read tomorrow (because I haven't touched a book all week) and then hang out with my friends on Sunday. Win, win, win, win, win." But that seems like it's not going to happen. I can't write about Darwin today, I can barely write about Frankenstein (4 pages and counting. I need two more). But maybe I can. We'll see how it is later.  If I can't do Darwin tonight (which I defs can) then I'll do it tomorrow after I type Frankenstein and edit it throughout the week (it's not due until Friday).

I WILL GET IT DONE

More Essay Procrastination.

The graph for views on this blog is like a mountain range. It has peaks and valleys and never ceases to amaze and surprise me.

I don't have that much to say today, mostly because I used up all my words yesterday. I still haven't started my HOST paper and I'm not that much farther ahead with my FYP one.

Ah, the life of a student. To work I must go.

Zip. Zero. Zilch.

The fact that someone read my last blog makes me kind of happy seeing that I didn't post links to it anywhere. I like to think it means you either stumbled upon it or read it because you want to and you like me. As always, my obsession with who reads this and who doesn't is not the point of this blog. This blog is about those demons that always haunt me that cannot be repelled with salt or iron. Yes, procrastination and writers block.

So, for those of you who are unaware that my life is currently awesome right now should be. It's "spring break". Why is it in February? Why is it not is spring? These are very good questions that I too would like the answers to.  I think February break has a nicer ring to it and doesn't give you false hopes of sunshine and warmth that you desire in the dead of winter.

Apparently February break isn't that much of a break judging by the horror stories I've heard from upper years and the fact that I have two essays due when I get back and a ton of reading that I haven't bothered to touch.

On Monday my excuse was that it was the first day and I was getting things together for my resume. On Tuesday my excuse was that I had piano and that I was handing in said resume.  Yesterday my excuse was that I was hanging out with my friend Erin, clearly no time for working. Today I have no excuse but I can't make myself sit down and look at work.

I've written two pages and a bit but it's like pulling teeth. Every word escapes me and I have to pull it out of my head with such force that the next word escapes just as the first does. I spend an hour pacing my living room just trying to think.

I have a thesis and I know it's pretty solid. For one paper. On Frankenstein.

Darwin, on the other hand, has nothing.

Zip.

Zero.

Zilch.

When did I lose all my inspiration. When did I lose my desire to be me. On any normal day I can write and write and write until I sleep but today is so lack luster. I can still write but not about what I need to.

I feel like it was the other day when I didn't want to do anything. Move, talk, be.

It's always so funny how these things work out. One day everything is great and things are awesome and you actually think you have friends and whatnot and the next you're sitting alone in you room with the lights off and the curtains closed alone watching Amadeus until your mum gets home and you order Chinese food and watch Muppet Treasure Island or you invite someone out and something comes up or you offer someone a drive home friend to friend and they treat the other people you're driving like shit because they don't want to work on your scheduled or you end up taking the back seat to other people always. 

And you feel like you're ready to give up and let the world win. Sink back into your lowly existence that you had before where you were the weird kid, the odd one out, who preferred spending time alone in their room reading books that didn't matter but after so long of not being them, of not having people literally run away from you, of not being made fun of to your face, of actually being kind of liked when faced with this partly chosen exile you can't do it.

You can't go back to being numb, you can't go back to not caring, you can't. And maybe that's worse. When all you hear is can't, won't, and I'm sorry I'm busy tonight maybe another time? And from yourself: you're not good enough, funny enough, likable enough, you're just not enough. But you can't be more. And no matter how many times people tell you you're cool and awesome it doesn't amount to anything because all you know is that tomorrow they won't be there, they won't talk to you, you'll be alone in your house pacing through your living room trying to write a paper and failing miserably.

I know.

jokes

I don't know if you notice or not but sometimes I try to be funny. I don't know if I succeed but I like to think I'm a funny gal. At least when I'm breaking down I'm pretty hysterical.

Life Unexpected

I started watching Life Unexpected yesterday and don't get me wrong, it's a great show. The plot is extremely predictable and the characters make the same mistakes over and over again but I can say that I genuinely enjoy watching it.

I don't know about you, my faithful readers, but I get emotionally attached to a lot of things. People, books, movies, characters, television shows, sun glasses. You name it, I can attach to it. Some people might say that this is a bad trait and I wholeheartedly agree with them. It isn't the greatest in fact it is probably the root of a lot of my anxiety and sadness but as of right now that's the way I am so I just need to learn how to deal with it.

Anyways, back to this show I've been watching. I've become emotionally involved with the three main characters and when they make a mistake or someone comes back into the plot line (even though you know they had to) I get really upset and flustered and yell at my computer (just imagine how bad I am when I'm part of a fandom *coughcoughfringecough*).

I think this show, though predictable, says a lot about life. Who hasn't made the same stupid mistake twice? Or three times? Or more than three time? Don't you ever wish that your friend would wake up and realize all the stupid things that they're doing or how they're following the same dating trends with the same results and if they want something good to happen they just need to change a little? Do you ever wish that you'd realize this in yourself?

One of the reasons I believe that I get attached to books, movies, television shows and the characters in them is because I can always see a piece of myself in them, even if it's not who I am now. For instance, in Nurse Jackie I see my wishes to be able to pull off her deviousness in my wicked dreams where I become true overlord ruler of the world (it's a pretty sick dream). Books, movies and television are a great media to find out what you are and what you aren't if you can connect with the characters and the situations and not everyone can do this but it is pretty neat.

I don't think this is the real reason that I'm blogging right now though. I have a lot of things flowing through my mind that I want to say but don't feel I can mainly because I don't know who reads this and that could be potentially problematic/embarrassing/I don't know what. Of course this crypticness may only make you more curious as to the thoughts flowing around my brain (it's a very interesting place to be).

All of this being said I would defs suggest watching Life Unexpected (it's currently on Netflix for those of you who have it... Arrested Development is also there and it is also extremely awesome) Have a good night.

Just...

I just don't want to do anything.

I always come to everything with a list of things I want to do and it's normally quite ambitious but when it comes around to it I don't want to do anything.

This slowly degrades into not wanting to do anything.

Not wanting to play piano.

Not wanting to blog.

Not wanting to go on tumblr.

Not wanting to watch movies/tv/netflix.

Not wanting to talk to anyone.

Not wanting to listen to music.

Not wanting to move.

Not wanting to sleep.

Not wanting to think.

Not wanting to do anything.

Not wanting to be conscious. 

Panic

Right now I wish I had a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy so I could read the big friendly words on the back "don't panic"

This panic has recently become my friend upon the realization that I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT KANT and the fact that I'm being tested on him tomorrow. In the last two hours all the philosophy I knew slowly fell out of my brain and dripped out of my ears and is currently lost somewhere in the universe. Unfortunately this secret hiding place of all my knowledge is, naturally, unknown to me.

So, while I go in search for it before my midterm I wish you all a great night. If I don't have a brain melt tomorrow I'll blog again and if not you have been a wonderful audience (melodramatic).

Categorical Imparative: You should do the right thing because it is right. You should not save my dog so you can use it against me later.

Good: The only thing that is good is the will. Intentions can be good or bad depending on the something? I think? see dog example

Synthetic A Priori: I have no idea.

Synthetic: Not analytic. can determine things on their own

A Priori: Not based on experience

Do they work together? 

ACCORDING TO KANT: YES

I want to scream from the top of mountains "LOVE ME"

So, as I'm sure you're all aware today is the dreaded Valentine's day. The day when all us single people get to look even more longingly than normal at those special people that make are pulses quicken and feel funny things in our guts. The day when some of us stop being cowards and let our feelings be told while the majority of us sit in silent agony when those people go up to their biggest crushes and tell them how they feel while we sit in the side lines looking at the ones we wish we could do the same to.

Ah, what it is to be a coward. What it is to be afraid of your own feels and of rejection. Ah. ah.

Love is probably the most complex thing that I, conveniently, know nothing about. So where normally would go some, what I would hope actually normally is, quirky anecdote is only this: We all need to pull our socks up, us cowardly souls who are too afraid to crush ourselves again in this cruel world. We must take the world by the scruff of it's neck and yell to it "I LOVE YOU". We must climb to the top of the tallest mountains and yell "LOVE ME, PLEASE" because it's always important to be polite. We must journey to the depths of the ocean and softly whisper "why can't you see how much I love you". We must do this all next year on this date and everyday in between until we at last succeed and are no long fated to live out our days in a roomy bungilo with too many cats.

Good luck, my friends, and keep on loving as a silent individual. Longing to show your feelings. Waiting for the right moment that never comes.

Day 6: What is your least favourite class?

My least favourite class? I'm sorry, that doesn't exist. I mean, I can see myself being like Hermione and disliking divination but I wouldn't go so far as to say it is my least favourite class. I try to find benefits to everything, I mean at least I'm learning something?

...but, yea, divination it is.

Lame, good, or only tolerable?

Sometimes I wonder if you my faithful (I'm sure you exist) or first time readers think by blog is utter crap because I'm starting to wonder if it is. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy telling you too many personal details about my life while (new policy) trying to emit names of people who may, or may not, be involved (YOU'LL NEVER KNOW) unless it's something super positive and happy.

I mean, my writing isn't all the great is it? And the content is next to none. Occasionally I add music and pictures, but it's mostly just me complaining about my lack of life, talent, and ability to write anything good (see? it's already happened). I also use way too many parentheses (but they're so much fun and add so many fun facts to my stories....and I might be addicted to them. Just sayin' (A song by Jimmy Rankin (don't worry, you're not suppose to get that. My mum says just sayin' a lot and a while ago Jimmy Rankin put out a song called just sayin' about life and such. One day at dinner Mum said just sayin and then Dad was all "you know that's a song by Jimmy Rankin, right?" and now whenever someone says just sayin' I subconsciously say "A song by Jimmy Rankin. My family is really cool okay?))) <-major offense in this overuse of parentheses issue.

Anyways, I would like to know if you thought my blog was lame, good or only tolerable but I know that won't happen because no one ever talks to me and you all dislike me secretly and only read this to mock me (ha ha).

Hope you're all having a good laugh right now.

It's getting to that point where my eyes just burn

It's way past tired and you can actually sleep into that lovely land of you won't sleep tonight so get over it and move on with your life and do what you're suppose to do.

After wasting my whole day on the computer doing nothing in particular reading a few pages of The Princess Bride here and there I thought it might be good to realize THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND DO THINGS. Also, that I have class and that I haven't read anything for it yet. Great.

So in with all this great realizing came some good ideas (for stories, books and my essay due on Monday (not today)) came this great idea that it would be a good idea to maybe look at what I have to read this week and Frankenstien  is on my list. THE WHOLE BOOK. So good luck being lazy, Colleen, it looks like it's finally time for you to get your butt in gear and actually do something that resembles work.

For those of you who don't know reading and writing come fairly easily to me, as in I don't consider them work. So, so far this year I haven't felt like I had to do any work (that and the fact that I was reading ahead at a leisurely pace. Unfortunately, that pace wasn't fast enough).

To add to all this my morning relaxing time on the bus and on campus is now next to nothing due to a bus strike that is inconveniencing my life a lot. I understand that they need to fix their contract and I have the utmost respect for them but I really miss my buses and my morning routine. So basically, no time to read, no time to write, no time to think.

 Life is great.


P.S. I hope you're all enjoying the amount that I'm now blogging. I've found that a lot of the things I've posted other places can be expanded into decent blogs and it really isn't that hard for me to ramble and spit words out at you. Also, it is excellent procrastination again things like reading Virtue and Terror for tomorrow. Have a lovely sleep.

The Troubles of Norwegian

I just really wish I could speak Norwegian, you know? It makes me so sad to realize that it's way hard and that I can't even count to ten even if I try really hard and even more sad that I'm giving up before I start. My brain isn't hardwired for languages. It sees them and turns the other way and runs, runs as far and fast as it can and it doesn't look back to see where it's left my mouth or my fingers, it just leaves.  At one point I could type some simple conversational things but that was still hard to wrap my head around. I just knew what it meant in English and could use it in conversation.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe there is more to this deserting brain than I think there is. Maybe it's just one big trick that it plays on me. Maybe we're playing cat and mouse only it's the mouse and I'm the cat and I just need to trap it and sit down with it and beat it into unconsciousness and feel really bad about it and then let it do its thing and figure out everything.

I thought that listening to music might help me a little but they speak too fast. I can't get a good read on what things sound like or attempt to piece together what things mean.

I need a translation project and a Norwegian-to-English dictionary. Force myself to learn. Translate things both ways. Things I love. Things I like. Letters from friends. Change everything to Norwegian and then to English and then back again with minimal mistakes. Start to write my papers in Norwegian and then translate them into English and then into whatever other language I'm suppose to be learning.

Maybe I just can't learn. Maybe I already know too much. Maybe I'm nothing.

"As her memories of human voices drown"

I don't know how many of you know this, in fact I doubt that any of you do, but I have tinnitus. "What is that?" you may ask someday if that ever comes up in conversation with an acquaintance who has it or knows someone who does. It's quite common you see. Tinnitus is the constant ringing in the ears. Many of you may be familiar with this ringing. You'd experience it after you came home from a concert and for some of you it might last only an hour or so, for other maybe two or three days, for me it's going to be there constantly for the rest of my life.

People don't really realize how damaging this can be to a person, mostly because no one knows what it is outside of the music world (as in many musicians have it because it is caused by damage to your ears) and it's probably one of the most unpleasant things that can happen to you. Other than the fact that it's mildly annoying hearing ringing every minute of every hour of every day it can be an indicator of a loss of hearing so when you're twenty you're constantly asking people to repeat themselves because you can't hear them like a 70 year old and you can't go out to loud places (like concerts and rallies and anywhere where there is a possibility of it being loud) without wearing special ear plugs that knock down the decibels of everything around you so that you don't kill your ears anymore.

One of the most concerning parts of this is that it is the first sign of hearing loss. If you have it, you've lost some hearing. It might also mean that, if you're like me, that you have soft ear drums which means you are at a higher risk of losing your hearing all together. I don't know about you, but I really like being able to hear. I love music and at one time I loved to play in concert bands which I feel I can no longer do due to my hearing problems. I also can't listen to any loud music, my ipod, go to the movie theater without wearing earplugs, avoid concerts and if I feel I have to go wear ear plugs and not drink a lot of coffee because caffeine is believes to irritate it more.

Because tinnitus is very hard to diagnose due to that fact that you can't really test for it, there aren't really any treatments for it so it really is a for life affliction which makes it even harder to deal with. My mum said she was reading some studies that said a mild anti-depressant has been said to help make it less noticeable in some cases but that's mostly because it flares when you're anxious, stressed, or sleep deprived, which unfortunately I am most of the time. Also, because it's a hard thing to deal with I believe that it does have a major affect on peoples mental stability so an anti-depressant can only do good.

Luckily, I probably won't go deaf but I still feel like I'm losing my hearing. I imagine that it's what Beethoven felt like only it would have been 10 times worse for him because music was literally his life whereas mine is just a love and a wonderful hobby.

Anyways, I started out writing this post in order to share a song with you called Elegy of Elsabet by The Weakerthans.  To me it's always been about hearing loss and going deaf. I love the language in it and the words that are used to describe all the sounds. You never really notice how much you hear until you don't have anything to hear.  I mean just look at the lyrics:

So your fields are stubble, garden's done
Where the scary scarecrow stands
Sees her holding up horizons with her hands

She's so tired of reading Daddy's lips
That essay on a frown
Watch her memories of human voices drown

Let horsey Bray break between the thunder boom
Make grasses swish meet the cricket ring
Let every sound consecrate our whispering
Words that Betta never heard

The back lanes tie the city down
A mess of dirty string
Winter dies the same way every spring

As the sky tries on its uniform of
Turned off TV gray
And the ways we watched her watch us walk away

Let every rain clatter down groaning streets
Make footsteps tick, talk to echoed walls
Let every sound consecrate our whispering
The words that Betta never heard
Let every wind howl and creak the creaking doors
To rooms that too much has happened in
Let every sound consecrate our whispering
The words that Betta never heard

A lot of it is talking about sounds or lack there of (sound words bolded, others underlines). It's just so beautiful. 

Hearing loss and tinnitus is a serious problem that no one talks about. You hear about depression and mental illness and how much we should talk about them but you never hear anything about finding out what is behind all of it. I know for me tinnitus is defiantly behind a lot of my darker thoughts. I always feel like not being able to hear is some sort of death sentence. I know a lot of people who are deaf do perfectly fine in the world but being able to hear and then not is too much for me to deal with as a person. I think that more people should be made aware of this serious issue we have in our society. Everyday I walk around seeing people ruining their hearing and not even knowing about it. They don't know how precious it is and how much turning the music up to 30 in the car hurts your hearing (there are a lot of higher and lower frequencies that you can't hear in the music that can seriously damage your hearing when you have it that loud) or having their ipods up so loud on the bus that I can hear it half a bus away. I just wish people knew more about what they were doing to their ears and protected and valued their hearing a little more. It's really painful to watch people throw away what I so desperately want.