The graph for views on this blog is like a mountain range. It has peaks and valleys and never ceases to amaze and surprise me.
I don't have that much to say today, mostly because I used up all my words yesterday. I still haven't started my HOST paper and I'm not that much farther ahead with my FYP one.
The fact that someone read my last blog makes me kind of happy seeing that I didn't post links to it anywhere. I like to think it means you either stumbled upon it or read it because you want to and you like me. As always, my obsession with who reads this and who doesn't is not the point of this blog. This blog is about those demons that always haunt me that cannot be repelled with salt or iron. Yes, procrastination and writers block.
So, for those of you who are unaware that my life is currently awesome right now should be. It's "spring break". Why is it in February? Why is it not is spring? These are very good questions that I too would like the answers to. I think February break has a nicer ring to it and doesn't give you false hopes of sunshine and warmth that you desire in the dead of winter.
Apparently February break isn't that much of a break judging by the horror stories I've heard from upper years and the fact that I have two essays due when I get back and a ton of reading that I haven't bothered to touch.
On Monday my excuse was that it was the first day and I was getting things together for my resume. On Tuesday my excuse was that I had piano and that I was handing in said resume. Yesterday my excuse was that I was hanging out with my friend Erin, clearly no time for working. Today I have no excuse but I can't make myself sit down and look at work.
I've written two pages and a bit but it's like pulling teeth. Every word escapes me and I have to pull it out of my head with such force that the next word escapes just as the first does. I spend an hour pacing my living room just trying to think.
I have a thesis and I know it's pretty solid. For one paper. On Frankenstein.
Darwin, on the other hand, has nothing.
Zip.
Zero.
Zilch.
When did I lose all my inspiration. When did I lose my desire to be me. On any normal day I can write and write and write until I sleep but today is so lack luster. I can still write but not about what I need to.
I feel like it was the other day when I didn't want to do anything. Move, talk, be.
It's always so funny how these things work out. One day everything is great and things are awesome and you actually think you have friends and whatnot and the next you're sitting alone in you room with the lights off and the curtains closed alone watching Amadeus until your mum gets home and you order Chinese food and watch Muppet Treasure Island or you invite someone out and something comes up or you offer someone a drive home friend to friend and they treat the other people you're driving like shit because they don't want to work on your scheduled or you end up taking the back seat to other people always.
And you feel like you're ready to give up and let the world win. Sink back into your lowly existence that you had before where you were the weird kid, the odd one out, who preferred spending time alone in their room reading books that didn't matter but after so long of not being them, of not having people literally run away from you, of not being made fun of to your face, of actually being kind of liked when faced with this partly chosen exile you can't do it.
You can't go back to being numb, you can't go back to not caring, you can't. And maybe that's worse. When all you hear is can't, won't, and I'm sorry I'm busy tonight maybe another time? And from yourself: you're not good enough, funny enough, likable enough, you're just not enough. But you can't be more. And no matter how many times people tell you you're cool and awesome it doesn't amount to anything because all you know is that tomorrow they won't be there, they won't talk to you, you'll be alone in your house pacing through your living room trying to write a paper and failing miserably.
That might not make much sense but away and day rhyme and that's whats really important. Can't have a lame blog without somewhat interesting titles now can we?
Yesterday we got hit by a snow storm and everyone was convinced that we wouldn't have school but for once our city pulled through and everything was opened today. Go figure. I was sure that we were going to have school. About an hour in t switched from small flakes to big flakes and you know what they say, Small flakes big snow, Big flakes small snow. That might only be for the Atlantic Provinces but whatever. FUN FACT! The Atlantic Provinces statistically speaking get more snow annually than any of the other province in Canada. It doesn't seem like it if you live here because it comes and goes so fast but it's still something to say. Our weather is really weird.
Exams are in two weeks. I'm so nervous there are no words for it. I have visions of chemical equations gone wrong, skips stepped in proof and beats missed while conducting. I can't wait for this month to be over.
On the bright side I might get an exemption! WOOO! GOOD BYE PRECAL! But I need to double check that >.>. I also got my schedaul for next semester. Global History, Physics, Band/off and Calculus. Terrifying. My friend Ashley from Chem/precal is in my physics and calculus class and a lot a lot of my friends are in my Global class so it should be a great time.
I wish exams would hurry up and get here so I could get them over with and move on with my life. They're such a bother.
everyone always thinks the new year is a great time of year. You get to start with a clean state, fix old friendships, make new ones and reinvent yourself (Like I need a specific time of the year to do that..). But there are the unfortunate few of us who instead of feeling rejuvenated feel a gnawing feeling in our guts that something isn't right or something isn't good enough. Yes, my friends, I speak of the dreaded new years blues.
this is not so dissimilar to the equally horrible February blues because although February is the shortest month in our calendar it always feels the longs thus we all get stuck with the blues. I think it has a lot to do with the lack of sun and the abundance of darkness that surrounds us for the month but I digress. I'm stuck in a rut where all I can think about is "how can this year be any better than the last?". I mean, the last year hasn't been that great but if the last few months are an indicator of the way the next 12 months are going to be things aren't looking up. Never before have I been so busy, stressed, forgetful, irritable, angsty and generally hard to get along with and it's starting to bother me. But whenever I try to fix it and be a better person I just get frustrated with the idiots around me and go back to my ways of storming through the halls, pushing people out of my way and keeping to myself for the most part.
Today was my first full day back at school and my work load as already accumulated enough to make me want to go crawl into my bed. I mean really, your first day back should send you running for the hill should it? Whats worse is that I can't focus for more than a few minutes (this is really hard to write because I keep on looking at other things and it's just not good). So with that lovely combination of not being able to focus and piles of homework I can just feel the pressure mounting in my head.
I would say I need some nice relaxing music but I have plenty of that. So I think I'm going to curl up for a bit and listen to some Wintersleep and maybe get some sleep. I hope your new year is going way better than mine.
So lot's has happened since Friday night and none of them have been good! (YES WIN WIN WIN! not.) I forgot my bari mouth piece at school and I had a gig on Saturday so I had to borrow Jeremy Kent's.
A note about Mr. Kent. I find him revolting in every sense of the word. He smokes, He has an ego larger than the solar system and his voice bothers me. There are few people I like less that Mr. Kent.
It was an unpleasent experince. It would have been nearly as unpleasent if I had of had my own mouth piece. The rest of my band and I were stuck in a closet like room for over two hours. Twenty kids in a small room for extended period of time is a great idea. Good thing? I made some new friends (Christopher, Mitchell, and Stephen) and I planned the potluck (which is going to be off the hook!). Bad thing? gross people touched me and I found out who annoys the pants off me.
When I got around to the planning part of the potluck I had to add a whole bunch of people on facebook so I could actually tell them what was going on and when and where it would be occurring. Me and Stephen had a great conversation! And then I brutally murdered it and I don't think he's ever going to talk to me again. EVAR. Apparently I'm pretty good at that. People always tell me I am. It's very unhappy making.
On another superfun note! I get really stressed at this time of the year because I don't have any free time in the run of the week and then I break and sleep stright for 15 hours (or more) and feel better but still waaay overwhelmed. So yesterday when I got home at four (Which hadn't happened in a week) I crashed really hard. By that I mean my mother thought I was drugged because you couldn't wake me up. Two and a half hours later I regain my wakefulness, ate pizza, watched Glee and went back to sleep and slept til ten. Guess who didn't go to school today? Yea? I had a lab due today. I still haven't done it. I just don't see the point in working anymore. I'm to the point that even thinking about everything that I need to get done before Christmas turns me into a blubbering fool that sits in the corner and whimpers. It's dumb.
