Missed Replies

I feel lost in a world that has forgotten me, that never took the time to know me.

It’s not just this time that I haven’t been answered, it’s all of them compounded into one. All those responses to responses that never came saying “hey, I know you’re busy but maybe if we could talk sometime” because being polite about being forgotten is the only way to be.

Because somehow it always feels like your fault even though you couldn’t do anything about it.

You’re the one that was waiting. You’re the one with unrealistic expectations. You’re the one that if you waited for another three days maybe they would have answered and wouldn’t have made everyone feel worse. You’re the one that has to deal with the somewhat false apologies from people who don’t feel bad that they’ve forgotten you but embarrassed because you called them out on it.

And you told them you’re always free. It doesn’t really matter when they answer. You won’t be doing anything.

But what they don’t know is that what you did with all that free time was wait in vain for that answer that never came.

This is complied again on top of all the promises that have been broken, all the words that were spoken false, all the lies that have been said to you without a small sign of remorse.

And under all of that there you are with that heart crushing feeling that maybe if you were different it wouldn’t, couldn’t be like this. That people might care more or forget you less. Treat you more like a person and less like a fixture that isn’t going anywhere. Think that maybe you feel too.

Think that you have more worth than a frame wearing clothes, a repository of information, a sprouter of facts when they’re needed, a rememberer of dates when they’re forgotten, the one that’s early when everyone else is late, the one who sits and waits, the one who whispered the ideas in your ear, the one who acts behind everything and lets you be the face.

It’s always more than that one missed reply, that one missed hi. It’s all of them and the useless feeling that they became. The one that tells you you’re not good enough even though you know you are. The one that tells you that when you said that no one listened but when they said it they will so you should give that idea to someone else to take. The one that tells you you’re alone and you can’t fix it.

And when you tell anyone they will always tell you that’s not the case because that’s what we’re told to believe. That everyone loves one another, that we are a we and that there are no solitary I’s.
So there’s this feeling of being alone in a world that never got to know you, that doesn’t want to know you because they know that you don’t fit the mold.

The worse thing is that the next time they don’t answer it will be the same and you’ll always think if I waited those extra three days it would have been different, it would be different if I was different.

As Promised

Seeing that I've decided in my infinate wisdom not to sleep tonight [it's 6.18 AM currently], I figured now would be the perfect time to get into the nitty gritty of this past semester.

I must say, it has been pretty great. I loved all my courses except for my English whose professor was terrible and makes me want to transfer into philosophy and I've done fairly well in all my courses. My exams were easy and all my profs were pretty good except for the aforementioned. I'm really excited to go back and see my friends again and resume my studies.

Last semester I took Beginners French and Astronomy, both of which will be continuing; the Ancient Science section of my History of Science course; Listening to Classical Music; and British Literature Before 1800, all of which were interesting or at least appeared to be when I enrolled in them. This semester I'm continuing on in French and Astronomy; moving into Medieval Science; The Foundations of Science Fiction, for an English credit; and Science and Totalitarianism which I've been excited for since I enrolled in it last spring. I think it's going to be a good semester.

But you may be wondering what made last semester so great? My courses were awesome but it must be more than that. You'd be right in this thinking. I met a great many people this semester, all of whom are really awesome and I'd now include amongst my closer friends. To add to the joy of gaining new people in my life, I've also had more success than I have in the past with getting some of the unwanted people to leave me alone, or at least more alone than they had before.

I have started a mildly successful quote blog with my of my friend and I watched a great many wonderful films which I can't even begin to remember or discuss in length, for if I did we'd be here all day.

I also guess I should mention that I have made some new year resolutions again this year, 3 of them to be precise. I'd like to lose some weight, but who doesn't; I'd like to remember to blog more; and I'd like to see more of my friends. I guess I could include wanting to get better and grammar and punctuation, but I have a feeling that will be thrust upon me whether I want it to be or not, though I do believe that in the last semester I've made great strides to become a better writer even if my English prof may disagree on this point.

Luckily I don't go back to class until the 7th otherwise I'd be royally screwed right now seeing that I'm still awake and it's now 6.30 am, about the time I'd be waking up on a normal day to get ready to go to school if I slept in for a half hour. Hopefully with tonight's shenanigans I'll be able to right my sleeping schedule.

Anyways, I think I should stop writing now. I hope you all had a lovely new year, I know I did. May 2013 be better for all of us, especially my blog.

New Year

Okay, so ignoring the fact that I never blog anymore, here is a post of my year in review and how awesome I am.

January: Not much happened.

Feburary: Bus strike, my life sucked

March: I remember this month being awesome, but not why it was awesome.

April: EXAMS

May: Got hired at Climate Technical Gear

June: TURNED 19! Party all the time

July: Olympics?

August: Went camping, stopped working.

September: Started my second year of university and met some really cool people who are now my friends

October: I threw up for the first time in 7 years, Had my wisdom teeth out.

November: my dog died.

Decemeber: I finished my reading challenge, My grandmother had her gallbladder out, I helped my other grandmother decorate her tree and made her Christmas good,  EXAMS, Christmas which was awesome, visited Pictou, celebrated New Years with my family at my Aunt and Uncle's and had the best new year in a while.

So here's to 2013. I'll be posting again soon to elaborate on my first semester of awesomeness.

[untitled 2]

I like to think that I'm getting better at life.  I really do like to think this with all my heart. Unfortunatly, the world often tends to disagree with me.

Throughout the pats 4 or 5 years I've become a worse student, though I am more knowledgeable, lost a lot of friends and became a worse friend, though the friends I've kept I'm really close to, less accepting, though more open, and have much less emotions in some sense.

I was under the impression that my writing had improved greatly over the course of the past year, but I have been mistaken. According to my new english prof I don't even know what sentence structure is which is why I can't understand commas.

I was under the impression that my spelling had greatly improved over the last 5 years, but this year I have also found out that I was, again, mistaken. I can't spell very well at all, and I'm even worse at spelling in French.

I was under the impression that I was smarter, but, surprise surprise, I was mistaken. I know less than ever. But the reason I know this is because I know more than I knew before. Yeah?

Anyways, it's been a terribly depressing start of term, realizing all the short comings and spending hours sitting by myself in odd locations because I don't know anyone. Being too bored to study but to guilty not to. I feel like I should at least try to work but when I do I find it tedious and boring. There's no winning.

Half of me wishes it was summer again and half of me wishing that it was last year again and yet another half of me wishes that I was in a void where neither of the other halves have to worry about anything because nothing exists outside of me.

This has been poorly written and I apologize.

Day One

So today was utterly fantastic.

I've spent a while thinking about how to write this out because I want to share it all with me but every time I start I seem to end at a loss of words.

I guess, as always, the best place to start is the beginning.

My bus ride was really good this morning. It still comes at the same time and everything is wonderful. I'm really excited for the new terminal to open though. It looks really awesome. I'll be able to ride the bus with even more comfort now.

I got to school 2 hours before my first class so I read a bit and bummed around and saw some people that I knew but it really wasn't that exciting.

I had French first which was really scary. My prof seems really nice and I like her a lot, but I don't know anyone in the class and I'm really bad at french. She spent a great deal of time talking about whether we really belonged in this class or not seeing that it's meant for beginners and I'm really worried that she might not think that I belong there when I really really do. French really scares me, a lot of things really scare me. I think that if only for the sake of my sanity I should be able to start at the easiest level. My last experience with French really made me doubt my knowledge a lot mostly because my teacher was so horrible. Even if this turns out not to be the right course for me, I think it will really help me build my confidence in my ability to speak whatever little bit of French I can which makes it worth it in my mind at least.

I was really worried about Astronomy because it's right after French and they were in different buildings. Turns out it only takes me 4 minutes to get there and I have a total of 10. WHO KNEW.

Anyways, Astronomy is seriously awesome. My prof introduced himself by speaking Klingon and then proceeded to talk about lots of cool physics stuff. When he said that we needed a scientific calculator and had to do math I could feel all the arts kids cringing. I'm really excited. I really missed physics last year. I think this is going to be really good.

Between Astronomy and HOST I had an hour break so I went to track down one of my friends and eat my lunch. He's doing FYP this year and so far he's really enjoying it. He's finding it intimidating but I'd be worried if he didn't. Turnshttp://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9061730177264933195#editor/target=post;postID=695261627683705249 out he has one of my favourite tutors as his main tutor and I'm really excited because I know that they'll both get along well.

When I was walking with Nick to his tutorial another one of my old profs stopped me in the hall to talk. It terrified me a little, but in a good way. I'm just not used to people knowing who I am and being interested in me because most of the time they aren't. Especially someone who I respect (and fear) so much. But it was a good conversation and I didn't run away so all is well.

I had a little bit more of a wait for my HOST class but when it finally started IT WAS AWESOME. There's 14 other people in the class so it's really small which means we get some one on one time with the prof which is really awesome. One of my close friends from last year is in that class with me which is really exciting because it means that we'll still see each other frequently. As a class, today wasn't particularly interesting and we got let out early.

My friend, her roommate and I went to take care of some errands after that, picking up the odds and ends of books which we had neglected to get which was good. Then we went to their apartment and played with the cat and then played cards. It was really fun.

Then I went home and did some more things for class and wrote this.

My life is really exciting.

This year has started out well.

Summer to Autum to School.

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. I feel like I start every entry like this so I figured why stop now? I have the usual excuses for neglecting this book: I was busy and I didn't have anything to write. Not good excuses but excuses all the same.

It's that time of year again. Back to school, back to reading, back to blogging about nothing in particular. I thought that to start of this lovely school year I should share my summer with you first so that you can all know where I'm at and where I'm going.

April was alright, it was stressful because I wasn't being very successful at finding a job. I had an interview with UPS that went really well and was scheduled to have a second interview when I heard from Climate Technical Gear (formally Helly Hanson Canada Limited) who was offering me full time summer employment thanks to my mother's good friend. Needless to say that I took that job and starting working on the first Thursday of May.

May was good. I worked a lot. I spent a lot of money. It was good.

June had its normal disappointments. My birthday was a mild success. Someone who I wanted to go didn't, people who I didn't want to go did, and I got to see my best friends and had my first legal drink. My brother often jokes about me being an alcoholic now because I often drink martini's, Tequila Sunrises, wine or beer on the weekends with my parents. It's cute. I think that he just feels left out, but he'll get there soon enough.

Nothing of note happened in July.

In August I went camping with my family one weekend and spent one weekend home alone with the dog. I went to see two Shakespeare plays (Titus Andronicus and The Merry Wives of Windsor) both put on by Shakespeare by the Sea. They were both wonderful. I actually saw The Merry Wives of Windsor twice, once with my aunt, uncle and grandmother and once with my family. My Aunt and Uncle from B.C. have taken another year off and they are currently visiting us before leaving on a trip with my Grandmother and other Aunt somewhere in Europe (though they don't know where yet) and my Grandmother is thinking of getting another cat when she comes home because Maurise disappeared (it was very depressing and I'd rather not talk about it).

Although September has just started it's been a fairly busy month in my house. I've gotten all ready for school, got my bus pass and locker at my school, cleaned my room and fish tank, have prepared to get new fish and bought new pants. I'm not nearly ready to go back yet though even though tomorrow is the big day. I'm still really nervous because I didn't really talk to any of my friends all summer and I'm worried that they aren't really my friends anymore, not that that really matters much for my anxiety about class because none of them are really in any of my classes so I'll be drowning on my own.

I've read a lot in the last week so there have been quite a few updates on the book blog. I would encourage you to check them out if you're a book person. I think they're relatively decent and if not I'd appreciate the feedback.

I'd ask you all how your summer's went but you rarely answer

I'm sure you'll all be hearing from me soon.

Nerd Life?

I doubt this actually exists now, either that or I hang out with a lot of outliers.

I've noticed recently that people are saying that they follow the so called "nerd life" because they've read some popular books (Harry Potter, and the Hunger Games (and maybe Hank Green or whatever who started this all. I haven't read any of his books but he seems like a pretty cool guy)) and are part of popular fandoms (above). Anyways, I'm just doubtful that this makes you a nerd.

First of all what is so nerdy about reading popular books whenever everyone else is reading them? That just seems pretty normal to me. I mean, if you're going through a book or two or three a week (unless they're all 1000 pages or so and they take you a few weeks to read. That would be an exception) you may be a book nerd. May.

I really don't know if anyone agrees with me or if this is all complete and utter bull it just irritates me somewhat that people praise the "nerd life" when they aren't even that nerdy. Then again, this is coming from someone who was excluded from a lot of things in elementary/junior high because they liked reading and being nerdy.

Anyways....

Don't hate me.

Emotions.

Don't you hate having obligations?

A lot of my friends have tumblr. Well, I don't have a lot of friends but most of them do have tumblr. By friends I mean the people that I actually know in real life this time.

Sometimes I find them really really annoying but I can't unfollow them because I know them. The internet use to be my way to get away from everything and now it's infected with people I know. I can't say anything about any of this. I really can't say it here either. Everything is connected.

Today is worse than normal for this too. I've been feeling really emotional for the past week or so, mostly because of lack of sleep I think. All my nerves are frayed and this a pushing me off the edge.

Also, my bedroom currently has next to nothijng in it and went from looking like a thirteen year old lived in it to no one lives in it. My Dad and I are suppose to build shelves for my ever growing book collection but that isn't going so well so all my stuff is in the rec room and my room looks gross and empty and there are holes in the wall.

We might have been able to get it done this weekend but mummy said that I can't make him do anything tomorrow because it's father's day. It's fair, I guess.

Oh, and to add to all of this my grandmother's cat is missing.

just.


ugh.


emotions.

Hermitude.

In the last year or so I changed a lot or at least I think I have. Maybe not a lot but enough.

I use to think I was negative and hated everything but it's just getting worse over time. There's only a hand full of people that I actually want to socialize with now and the rest of it feels like a chore. By a handful I mean 4 and one of them is in Mexico right now.

I feel like I can't go on the internet any more because so many of the people that I'm trying to get away from are everywhere around me all the time. I go on facebook and twitter and I read things and I just can't do it but I'm still at that point where I can't delete anyone and it's so frustrating.

I struggle a lot of finding commonalities and if I can't find them I feel like everything is just a waste of time in most instances. We're kept on a cusp of having everything and nothing to talk about and when we do talk I get sinking feelings of disappointment because I want it to be so much more and I know it never will be.

Maybe I should just become a hermit.

In which I whine about everything again.

Today when I woke  up I felt really good. Really really good. I had a really great morning. I started to rewatch season one of Fringe. It's hard to have a bad morning and early afternoon when staring and beautiful people talking about cool science. This afternoon was really good too. I went to coffee with one of my friends from band and we had a really good time, or at least I did. She's going to King's next year so I gave her  a list of things to expect and some quick tips for success in FYP. This evening was pretty good too. I had a great dinner and Mum made cake in a jar again and then I did the dishes and watched more Fringe. I came downstairs after I finished watching Fringe and I was feeling pretty okay. I did normal things on the internet, checking my emails and such. Then I had this feeling of total worthlessness. A feeling that makes me want to not leave my room for several weeks. A feeling that makes me want to cancel all my plans. A feeling that makes me want to quite work. And I don't know where it's coming from.

Everything's been going really really well lately. Better than it should. I had a really good past three months. I became almost normal. I got friends. People almost liked me. People do like me. I got along really well with everyone at my new job and I still do even though I'm really awkward and say okay far too often. On Tuesday I stopped being able to sleep for no particular reason. Normally I can't sleep because I'm worried about something or need to think but I don't have anything to worry about. Yesterday I was really emotional about everything and today I don't want to move.

I don't understand.

I don't know why I told you all this.

My life is very dull.

What does this even mean?

So! It's been a long time since I've actually written anything blog related. Guess what that means! CATCHUPTIME!

I finished FYP (yay) and I have a B average (yay)! I have a job and I had lots of money but then I spent it all which I wasn't suppose to do because I'm suppose to be saving to pay for university (awwh). I'm 19! That's actually not that exciting.

Today I realized that I may be the most boring person to walk the earth. I was trying to decide whether to read, watch fringe, play the sims or float around the internet and I couldn't decided. Normal people my age might have gone out with friends or something like that. Me? Nope.

I'm actually really behind on my reading. I'm only halfway through the book I'm reading and I haven't really touched it over the last few weeks because I've been going out  a lot and playing the sims more than I should. I have a lot of problems.

I don't really know what I wanted to write about anymore and this is a weird missmash of things.

So sorry.

Toasts with Tequila

So hi, it's been a while. Apparently some people actually read this possibly regularly or maybe not but either way I'm sorry I have been missing for a while.

Life's been a blur for the last little bit, so much so I can't even remember the last time I blogged so lets just get some bare bones of a structure of my life since February break.

It was pretty bland. I stopped doing readings for a while because I couldn't be bothered. One of my friends never came back to class and I was really sad and lonely for a while. The buses came back at some point and I was really happy about that. We had a spree of weather that was past summer and not as much rain as I would have liked. I never got to hang out with Laura because our schedules are constantly conflicting. I went to see a movie with my best friends Erin and Jaclyn but I never got around to seeing one with Stephen. I found out that my rib cage is larger than my brothers who is almost a foot taller than me and that everyone thinks I'm super smart. I had my FYP oral exam which went less well that planned and I signed up for all my classes next year (dets to follow). We had our tutorial party and a going away party and my heart cried a little. I also made friends with a prof and made him a thank you cake.

Okay! Lets start with the fun thing, I PICKED MY CLASSES. Next year is going to be sooooOOOooo great (I can't stress how great it's going to be). In first semester I'm taking Astronomy (HOW COOL) which is a full year course, French (WOW LANGUAGE CREDIT) which is a full year course, Ancient and Medieval Science (NICE) which is the HOST core course and also a full year, British Literature before 1800 (YEAH), and Listening to Classical Music (YES THAT IS ACTUALLY A COURSE GUYS). In second semester I'm taking the first three still (because they're full credits) and Foundations of Science Fiction (YOU WISH YOU WERE THIS COOL) and Science and Totalitarianism (WOOOOOOO). Yeah, I'm cool and I'm taking the most awesome couses ever. I actually made a really cool friend in the last two weeks of classes (his name is Alex and he's really cool) who's taking Science and Totalitarianism too which is really cool because I'd defs like to get to know him better. We like a lot of the same things. It's good.

Speaking of new friends, I found out that one of my favourite tutors is coming back next year, Mr. Burke. He helped me a lot with my research paper on time travel. It was a pretty good paper if I do say so myself. I handed it in earlier this evening (as in I drove to King's and dropped in through a slot and watched it go splat on the floor. It was a good time). Anyways, I think Mr. Burke is a really cool guy. He likes the same things as I do and he's really easy to talk to and, unlike some of my other "friends" really enjoys talking about academics. Because he helped me so much with my paper I made him a honey cake which just happens to be my new favourite cake. I got the recipe out of the Winnie the Pooh cookbook I bought myself for Christmas that's made for five year olds. He said it was good and that he liked it and I am pleased.

I suppose you might want to know about my awesome tutorial party. It was pretty slow starting. I chatted with Tom for a while. He's coming back next year which I'm really glad about because we never got a chance to watch movies together this year and geek out over geeky things. I talked to the other Tom for a bit too and that was fun. Then another tutor came whose name I'm too lazy too look up right now with a bottle of Tequila. Then some people in my tutorial acquired two lemons and some salt and Laura made the most beautiful toast ever. She called us intelligent and beautiful. It was so wonderful. Then we all took a shot of tequila and it was a beautiful moment. Everyone thought it was really gross but I didn't find it too bad, then again what do I know. I don't drink. eventually it was time to say goodbye because my dad was coming to get me and it was very emotional. Aynsley and Tom were stupendous, Cadence and Siobhan were too nice, Ava and Millie were beyond, Warren was really sweet, and I can't deal with what Laura told me. She said that I was a really good student. I mean, I think I'm a good student but for someone to tell me that who has marked most of my papers and had to deal with all my crazy thesis' all year long it really really meant something to me, you know? Anyways, that was all fun and games.

Oh, I forgot. On the last day of classes I co-hosted a smoothie party. It was really fun. We hung around and drank smoothies and ate honey cake. mmm mmm mmm.

On Friday night I went to another party. Ava is moving into some big old house with a bunch of her friends and they had a house warming party. I had met all the people who she was living with before and they're all really sweet but while I was there I met a lot of people who I had never met before and they were all really cool. I want them all to be my friends. Unfortunately I'm rather odd so the likelihood of that happening are slim unless they all prove me wrong.

I think it's funny that the two weeks before exams are the most I've partied all year long.

I hope you enjoyed this little summary of my life in the last month and a bit. I need to go sleep because I have to get up tomorrow to cram for an exam at 3.30.

Wish me luck guys.







OH I GOT POTTERMORE TODAY. AshBlood2044. Add me up.

Cowardice

I appologize in advance for the many spelling mistakes that this post will no doubt have.

Yesterday in my blog you would have found out about my lovely meeting that was suppose to be today with the even more lovely Dr. McOuat. I was very excited if you recall correctly.

When I woke up this morning I had a bad feeling. Was it because I slept through my first two alarms and missed my shower? Partly. I also decided that there must be bad traffic and there was. But the horror continued when I got to school.

I didn't do my reading last night so I did it before lecture, no problems. I lost at roll up the rim, again but typical. Lecture was fantastic. Everything was going well.

But then I went to Dr. McOuat's office and he was talking to someone else. Nbd. He'll be done soon? No. I hid around the corner while my friend Ava tried to convince me to go knock on the now shut door. Heart breaking? Yes. Devestating? Yes. Dreams dashed? Yes.

What am I going to do? Write a very nice letter apologizing for being a coward. This happens all the time. The letter writing that is.

Then I went to the ward room to eat lunch and no one was there so I ate alone in a hallway. I'm really cool.

Planning Ahead

So, next year is rapidly approaching which means that all us university students who aren't graduating this year (and even those of us who are) need to pull up are socks, get our lives in order and decide what we want to do next year or for the next three years as the case may be. This, for some, may be an extremely challenging process. I find it challenging mostly due to the fact that I want to talk everything that I see.

This is when my social ineptness doesn't come in handy.

Today Dr. Gordon McOuat gave a lecture on Darwin in FYP (he gave four lectures on Darwin in HOST but that's not important to my story today). It was a lovely lecture and I enjoyed it immensely. During the break I went down to tell him that I was really enjoying the lecture because I think he's really cool (this is a big step for me because people scare me a lot). I also managed to blurt out the fact that I've been considering doing a combined honors in HOST. He thought that was a good idea. I also made an appointment to meet with him tomorrow after lecture to talk to him about it a little more.

I always think that people are going to be way more terrifying than they are or think that I'm asking stupid questions. I'm glad that I finally talked to Dr. McOuat. I've been meaning to for some time because he's probably the only person in the whole department that I can actually say something in front of without sounding like an idiot (not because I don't have a healthy fear/respect for him and his intelligence, that part still terrifies me. He just seems really nice, understanding and easy to talk to).

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I think it's going to be a good day.

Also, I got back one of my papers today. I got another B. Go me!

I Want To Do Well In School

I want to read fun things but I want to do well in school.

I don't want to do my essay but I want to do well in school.

I don't want to do my other essay but I want to do well in school.

I want to procrastinate more and not have most of my break wasted on school but I want to do well in school.

I want to sleep but I want to do well in school.

I want to do well in school but I'm too lazy to.

Day 7: Who is your least favorite professor?

I can genuinely say that I have never really hated a teacher. I disliked my grade 11 history teacher but only because she didn't teach me anything. Out of all the teachers at Hogwarts I don't believe one of them does not teach what they ought. I don't know who you be my least favourite. They all seem so wonderful.

plans plans plans

What I need is an action plan. I make plans all the time but this will be the ultimate plan

Originally I was all "I'll do rough drafts of both my essays today, type them tomorrow, read tomorrow (because I haven't touched a book all week) and then hang out with my friends on Sunday. Win, win, win, win, win." But that seems like it's not going to happen. I can't write about Darwin today, I can barely write about Frankenstein (4 pages and counting. I need two more). But maybe I can. We'll see how it is later.  If I can't do Darwin tonight (which I defs can) then I'll do it tomorrow after I type Frankenstein and edit it throughout the week (it's not due until Friday).

I WILL GET IT DONE

More Essay Procrastination.

The graph for views on this blog is like a mountain range. It has peaks and valleys and never ceases to amaze and surprise me.

I don't have that much to say today, mostly because I used up all my words yesterday. I still haven't started my HOST paper and I'm not that much farther ahead with my FYP one.

Ah, the life of a student. To work I must go.

Zip. Zero. Zilch.

The fact that someone read my last blog makes me kind of happy seeing that I didn't post links to it anywhere. I like to think it means you either stumbled upon it or read it because you want to and you like me. As always, my obsession with who reads this and who doesn't is not the point of this blog. This blog is about those demons that always haunt me that cannot be repelled with salt or iron. Yes, procrastination and writers block.

So, for those of you who are unaware that my life is currently awesome right now should be. It's "spring break". Why is it in February? Why is it not is spring? These are very good questions that I too would like the answers to.  I think February break has a nicer ring to it and doesn't give you false hopes of sunshine and warmth that you desire in the dead of winter.

Apparently February break isn't that much of a break judging by the horror stories I've heard from upper years and the fact that I have two essays due when I get back and a ton of reading that I haven't bothered to touch.

On Monday my excuse was that it was the first day and I was getting things together for my resume. On Tuesday my excuse was that I had piano and that I was handing in said resume.  Yesterday my excuse was that I was hanging out with my friend Erin, clearly no time for working. Today I have no excuse but I can't make myself sit down and look at work.

I've written two pages and a bit but it's like pulling teeth. Every word escapes me and I have to pull it out of my head with such force that the next word escapes just as the first does. I spend an hour pacing my living room just trying to think.

I have a thesis and I know it's pretty solid. For one paper. On Frankenstein.

Darwin, on the other hand, has nothing.

Zip.

Zero.

Zilch.

When did I lose all my inspiration. When did I lose my desire to be me. On any normal day I can write and write and write until I sleep but today is so lack luster. I can still write but not about what I need to.

I feel like it was the other day when I didn't want to do anything. Move, talk, be.

It's always so funny how these things work out. One day everything is great and things are awesome and you actually think you have friends and whatnot and the next you're sitting alone in you room with the lights off and the curtains closed alone watching Amadeus until your mum gets home and you order Chinese food and watch Muppet Treasure Island or you invite someone out and something comes up or you offer someone a drive home friend to friend and they treat the other people you're driving like shit because they don't want to work on your scheduled or you end up taking the back seat to other people always. 

And you feel like you're ready to give up and let the world win. Sink back into your lowly existence that you had before where you were the weird kid, the odd one out, who preferred spending time alone in their room reading books that didn't matter but after so long of not being them, of not having people literally run away from you, of not being made fun of to your face, of actually being kind of liked when faced with this partly chosen exile you can't do it.

You can't go back to being numb, you can't go back to not caring, you can't. And maybe that's worse. When all you hear is can't, won't, and I'm sorry I'm busy tonight maybe another time? And from yourself: you're not good enough, funny enough, likable enough, you're just not enough. But you can't be more. And no matter how many times people tell you you're cool and awesome it doesn't amount to anything because all you know is that tomorrow they won't be there, they won't talk to you, you'll be alone in your house pacing through your living room trying to write a paper and failing miserably.

I know.

jokes

I don't know if you notice or not but sometimes I try to be funny. I don't know if I succeed but I like to think I'm a funny gal. At least when I'm breaking down I'm pretty hysterical.