Missed Replies

I feel lost in a world that has forgotten me, that never took the time to know me.

It’s not just this time that I haven’t been answered, it’s all of them compounded into one. All those responses to responses that never came saying “hey, I know you’re busy but maybe if we could talk sometime” because being polite about being forgotten is the only way to be.

Because somehow it always feels like your fault even though you couldn’t do anything about it.

You’re the one that was waiting. You’re the one with unrealistic expectations. You’re the one that if you waited for another three days maybe they would have answered and wouldn’t have made everyone feel worse. You’re the one that has to deal with the somewhat false apologies from people who don’t feel bad that they’ve forgotten you but embarrassed because you called them out on it.

And you told them you’re always free. It doesn’t really matter when they answer. You won’t be doing anything.

But what they don’t know is that what you did with all that free time was wait in vain for that answer that never came.

This is complied again on top of all the promises that have been broken, all the words that were spoken false, all the lies that have been said to you without a small sign of remorse.

And under all of that there you are with that heart crushing feeling that maybe if you were different it wouldn’t, couldn’t be like this. That people might care more or forget you less. Treat you more like a person and less like a fixture that isn’t going anywhere. Think that maybe you feel too.

Think that you have more worth than a frame wearing clothes, a repository of information, a sprouter of facts when they’re needed, a rememberer of dates when they’re forgotten, the one that’s early when everyone else is late, the one who sits and waits, the one who whispered the ideas in your ear, the one who acts behind everything and lets you be the face.

It’s always more than that one missed reply, that one missed hi. It’s all of them and the useless feeling that they became. The one that tells you you’re not good enough even though you know you are. The one that tells you that when you said that no one listened but when they said it they will so you should give that idea to someone else to take. The one that tells you you’re alone and you can’t fix it.

And when you tell anyone they will always tell you that’s not the case because that’s what we’re told to believe. That everyone loves one another, that we are a we and that there are no solitary I’s.
So there’s this feeling of being alone in a world that never got to know you, that doesn’t want to know you because they know that you don’t fit the mold.

The worse thing is that the next time they don’t answer it will be the same and you’ll always think if I waited those extra three days it would have been different, it would be different if I was different.

As Promised

Seeing that I've decided in my infinate wisdom not to sleep tonight [it's 6.18 AM currently], I figured now would be the perfect time to get into the nitty gritty of this past semester.

I must say, it has been pretty great. I loved all my courses except for my English whose professor was terrible and makes me want to transfer into philosophy and I've done fairly well in all my courses. My exams were easy and all my profs were pretty good except for the aforementioned. I'm really excited to go back and see my friends again and resume my studies.

Last semester I took Beginners French and Astronomy, both of which will be continuing; the Ancient Science section of my History of Science course; Listening to Classical Music; and British Literature Before 1800, all of which were interesting or at least appeared to be when I enrolled in them. This semester I'm continuing on in French and Astronomy; moving into Medieval Science; The Foundations of Science Fiction, for an English credit; and Science and Totalitarianism which I've been excited for since I enrolled in it last spring. I think it's going to be a good semester.

But you may be wondering what made last semester so great? My courses were awesome but it must be more than that. You'd be right in this thinking. I met a great many people this semester, all of whom are really awesome and I'd now include amongst my closer friends. To add to the joy of gaining new people in my life, I've also had more success than I have in the past with getting some of the unwanted people to leave me alone, or at least more alone than they had before.

I have started a mildly successful quote blog with my of my friend and I watched a great many wonderful films which I can't even begin to remember or discuss in length, for if I did we'd be here all day.

I also guess I should mention that I have made some new year resolutions again this year, 3 of them to be precise. I'd like to lose some weight, but who doesn't; I'd like to remember to blog more; and I'd like to see more of my friends. I guess I could include wanting to get better and grammar and punctuation, but I have a feeling that will be thrust upon me whether I want it to be or not, though I do believe that in the last semester I've made great strides to become a better writer even if my English prof may disagree on this point.

Luckily I don't go back to class until the 7th otherwise I'd be royally screwed right now seeing that I'm still awake and it's now 6.30 am, about the time I'd be waking up on a normal day to get ready to go to school if I slept in for a half hour. Hopefully with tonight's shenanigans I'll be able to right my sleeping schedule.

Anyways, I think I should stop writing now. I hope you all had a lovely new year, I know I did. May 2013 be better for all of us, especially my blog.

New Year

Okay, so ignoring the fact that I never blog anymore, here is a post of my year in review and how awesome I am.

January: Not much happened.

Feburary: Bus strike, my life sucked

March: I remember this month being awesome, but not why it was awesome.

April: EXAMS

May: Got hired at Climate Technical Gear

June: TURNED 19! Party all the time

July: Olympics?

August: Went camping, stopped working.

September: Started my second year of university and met some really cool people who are now my friends

October: I threw up for the first time in 7 years, Had my wisdom teeth out.

November: my dog died.

Decemeber: I finished my reading challenge, My grandmother had her gallbladder out, I helped my other grandmother decorate her tree and made her Christmas good,  EXAMS, Christmas which was awesome, visited Pictou, celebrated New Years with my family at my Aunt and Uncle's and had the best new year in a while.

So here's to 2013. I'll be posting again soon to elaborate on my first semester of awesomeness.

[untitled 2]

I like to think that I'm getting better at life.  I really do like to think this with all my heart. Unfortunatly, the world often tends to disagree with me.

Throughout the pats 4 or 5 years I've become a worse student, though I am more knowledgeable, lost a lot of friends and became a worse friend, though the friends I've kept I'm really close to, less accepting, though more open, and have much less emotions in some sense.

I was under the impression that my writing had improved greatly over the course of the past year, but I have been mistaken. According to my new english prof I don't even know what sentence structure is which is why I can't understand commas.

I was under the impression that my spelling had greatly improved over the last 5 years, but this year I have also found out that I was, again, mistaken. I can't spell very well at all, and I'm even worse at spelling in French.

I was under the impression that I was smarter, but, surprise surprise, I was mistaken. I know less than ever. But the reason I know this is because I know more than I knew before. Yeah?

Anyways, it's been a terribly depressing start of term, realizing all the short comings and spending hours sitting by myself in odd locations because I don't know anyone. Being too bored to study but to guilty not to. I feel like I should at least try to work but when I do I find it tedious and boring. There's no winning.

Half of me wishes it was summer again and half of me wishing that it was last year again and yet another half of me wishes that I was in a void where neither of the other halves have to worry about anything because nothing exists outside of me.

This has been poorly written and I apologize.

Day One

So today was utterly fantastic.

I've spent a while thinking about how to write this out because I want to share it all with me but every time I start I seem to end at a loss of words.

I guess, as always, the best place to start is the beginning.

My bus ride was really good this morning. It still comes at the same time and everything is wonderful. I'm really excited for the new terminal to open though. It looks really awesome. I'll be able to ride the bus with even more comfort now.

I got to school 2 hours before my first class so I read a bit and bummed around and saw some people that I knew but it really wasn't that exciting.

I had French first which was really scary. My prof seems really nice and I like her a lot, but I don't know anyone in the class and I'm really bad at french. She spent a great deal of time talking about whether we really belonged in this class or not seeing that it's meant for beginners and I'm really worried that she might not think that I belong there when I really really do. French really scares me, a lot of things really scare me. I think that if only for the sake of my sanity I should be able to start at the easiest level. My last experience with French really made me doubt my knowledge a lot mostly because my teacher was so horrible. Even if this turns out not to be the right course for me, I think it will really help me build my confidence in my ability to speak whatever little bit of French I can which makes it worth it in my mind at least.

I was really worried about Astronomy because it's right after French and they were in different buildings. Turns out it only takes me 4 minutes to get there and I have a total of 10. WHO KNEW.

Anyways, Astronomy is seriously awesome. My prof introduced himself by speaking Klingon and then proceeded to talk about lots of cool physics stuff. When he said that we needed a scientific calculator and had to do math I could feel all the arts kids cringing. I'm really excited. I really missed physics last year. I think this is going to be really good.

Between Astronomy and HOST I had an hour break so I went to track down one of my friends and eat my lunch. He's doing FYP this year and so far he's really enjoying it. He's finding it intimidating but I'd be worried if he didn't. Turnshttp://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9061730177264933195#editor/target=post;postID=695261627683705249 out he has one of my favourite tutors as his main tutor and I'm really excited because I know that they'll both get along well.

When I was walking with Nick to his tutorial another one of my old profs stopped me in the hall to talk. It terrified me a little, but in a good way. I'm just not used to people knowing who I am and being interested in me because most of the time they aren't. Especially someone who I respect (and fear) so much. But it was a good conversation and I didn't run away so all is well.

I had a little bit more of a wait for my HOST class but when it finally started IT WAS AWESOME. There's 14 other people in the class so it's really small which means we get some one on one time with the prof which is really awesome. One of my close friends from last year is in that class with me which is really exciting because it means that we'll still see each other frequently. As a class, today wasn't particularly interesting and we got let out early.

My friend, her roommate and I went to take care of some errands after that, picking up the odds and ends of books which we had neglected to get which was good. Then we went to their apartment and played with the cat and then played cards. It was really fun.

Then I went home and did some more things for class and wrote this.

My life is really exciting.

This year has started out well.

Summer to Autum to School.

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. I feel like I start every entry like this so I figured why stop now? I have the usual excuses for neglecting this book: I was busy and I didn't have anything to write. Not good excuses but excuses all the same.

It's that time of year again. Back to school, back to reading, back to blogging about nothing in particular. I thought that to start of this lovely school year I should share my summer with you first so that you can all know where I'm at and where I'm going.

April was alright, it was stressful because I wasn't being very successful at finding a job. I had an interview with UPS that went really well and was scheduled to have a second interview when I heard from Climate Technical Gear (formally Helly Hanson Canada Limited) who was offering me full time summer employment thanks to my mother's good friend. Needless to say that I took that job and starting working on the first Thursday of May.

May was good. I worked a lot. I spent a lot of money. It was good.

June had its normal disappointments. My birthday was a mild success. Someone who I wanted to go didn't, people who I didn't want to go did, and I got to see my best friends and had my first legal drink. My brother often jokes about me being an alcoholic now because I often drink martini's, Tequila Sunrises, wine or beer on the weekends with my parents. It's cute. I think that he just feels left out, but he'll get there soon enough.

Nothing of note happened in July.

In August I went camping with my family one weekend and spent one weekend home alone with the dog. I went to see two Shakespeare plays (Titus Andronicus and The Merry Wives of Windsor) both put on by Shakespeare by the Sea. They were both wonderful. I actually saw The Merry Wives of Windsor twice, once with my aunt, uncle and grandmother and once with my family. My Aunt and Uncle from B.C. have taken another year off and they are currently visiting us before leaving on a trip with my Grandmother and other Aunt somewhere in Europe (though they don't know where yet) and my Grandmother is thinking of getting another cat when she comes home because Maurise disappeared (it was very depressing and I'd rather not talk about it).

Although September has just started it's been a fairly busy month in my house. I've gotten all ready for school, got my bus pass and locker at my school, cleaned my room and fish tank, have prepared to get new fish and bought new pants. I'm not nearly ready to go back yet though even though tomorrow is the big day. I'm still really nervous because I didn't really talk to any of my friends all summer and I'm worried that they aren't really my friends anymore, not that that really matters much for my anxiety about class because none of them are really in any of my classes so I'll be drowning on my own.

I've read a lot in the last week so there have been quite a few updates on the book blog. I would encourage you to check them out if you're a book person. I think they're relatively decent and if not I'd appreciate the feedback.

I'd ask you all how your summer's went but you rarely answer

I'm sure you'll all be hearing from me soon.

Nerd Life?

I doubt this actually exists now, either that or I hang out with a lot of outliers.

I've noticed recently that people are saying that they follow the so called "nerd life" because they've read some popular books (Harry Potter, and the Hunger Games (and maybe Hank Green or whatever who started this all. I haven't read any of his books but he seems like a pretty cool guy)) and are part of popular fandoms (above). Anyways, I'm just doubtful that this makes you a nerd.

First of all what is so nerdy about reading popular books whenever everyone else is reading them? That just seems pretty normal to me. I mean, if you're going through a book or two or three a week (unless they're all 1000 pages or so and they take you a few weeks to read. That would be an exception) you may be a book nerd. May.

I really don't know if anyone agrees with me or if this is all complete and utter bull it just irritates me somewhat that people praise the "nerd life" when they aren't even that nerdy. Then again, this is coming from someone who was excluded from a lot of things in elementary/junior high because they liked reading and being nerdy.

Anyways....

Don't hate me.

Emotions.

Don't you hate having obligations?

A lot of my friends have tumblr. Well, I don't have a lot of friends but most of them do have tumblr. By friends I mean the people that I actually know in real life this time.

Sometimes I find them really really annoying but I can't unfollow them because I know them. The internet use to be my way to get away from everything and now it's infected with people I know. I can't say anything about any of this. I really can't say it here either. Everything is connected.

Today is worse than normal for this too. I've been feeling really emotional for the past week or so, mostly because of lack of sleep I think. All my nerves are frayed and this a pushing me off the edge.

Also, my bedroom currently has next to nothijng in it and went from looking like a thirteen year old lived in it to no one lives in it. My Dad and I are suppose to build shelves for my ever growing book collection but that isn't going so well so all my stuff is in the rec room and my room looks gross and empty and there are holes in the wall.

We might have been able to get it done this weekend but mummy said that I can't make him do anything tomorrow because it's father's day. It's fair, I guess.

Oh, and to add to all of this my grandmother's cat is missing.

just.


ugh.


emotions.

Hermitude.

In the last year or so I changed a lot or at least I think I have. Maybe not a lot but enough.

I use to think I was negative and hated everything but it's just getting worse over time. There's only a hand full of people that I actually want to socialize with now and the rest of it feels like a chore. By a handful I mean 4 and one of them is in Mexico right now.

I feel like I can't go on the internet any more because so many of the people that I'm trying to get away from are everywhere around me all the time. I go on facebook and twitter and I read things and I just can't do it but I'm still at that point where I can't delete anyone and it's so frustrating.

I struggle a lot of finding commonalities and if I can't find them I feel like everything is just a waste of time in most instances. We're kept on a cusp of having everything and nothing to talk about and when we do talk I get sinking feelings of disappointment because I want it to be so much more and I know it never will be.

Maybe I should just become a hermit.

In which I whine about everything again.

Today when I woke  up I felt really good. Really really good. I had a really great morning. I started to rewatch season one of Fringe. It's hard to have a bad morning and early afternoon when staring and beautiful people talking about cool science. This afternoon was really good too. I went to coffee with one of my friends from band and we had a really good time, or at least I did. She's going to King's next year so I gave her  a list of things to expect and some quick tips for success in FYP. This evening was pretty good too. I had a great dinner and Mum made cake in a jar again and then I did the dishes and watched more Fringe. I came downstairs after I finished watching Fringe and I was feeling pretty okay. I did normal things on the internet, checking my emails and such. Then I had this feeling of total worthlessness. A feeling that makes me want to not leave my room for several weeks. A feeling that makes me want to cancel all my plans. A feeling that makes me want to quite work. And I don't know where it's coming from.

Everything's been going really really well lately. Better than it should. I had a really good past three months. I became almost normal. I got friends. People almost liked me. People do like me. I got along really well with everyone at my new job and I still do even though I'm really awkward and say okay far too often. On Tuesday I stopped being able to sleep for no particular reason. Normally I can't sleep because I'm worried about something or need to think but I don't have anything to worry about. Yesterday I was really emotional about everything and today I don't want to move.

I don't understand.

I don't know why I told you all this.

My life is very dull.